I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
