this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
high people should be assigned attendants
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
