R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
