3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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