My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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