2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
