That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
