I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
