the new term for farting is butt boxing.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
