what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
