btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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