My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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