it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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