I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
