I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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