Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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