Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
