i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Randomize
