Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
