Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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