got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
