wrigley field is MILF paradise
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
