Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
