you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
