Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
