i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
