Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
