When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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