I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
