Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
