I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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