he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I did not marry a roomba.
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