Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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