Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
