Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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