spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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