he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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