There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
