You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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