did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
