yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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