forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
