I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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