I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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