Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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