i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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