I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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