Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I could make wine with my vomit
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
