Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
