I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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