You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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