I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
