I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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